James Goes to a Bachelor Party-Hilarity Ensues

Hi Friends,

I'm glad people have been posting already. I hope we can keep this up with life updates and random stories.

I've been laying around doing nothing on campus for the summer. The weekends have been the highlights: 3 weddings, 4th of July, and bachelor party. My sister just got married yesterday, so that's kind of a big deal. I'll give stories from that later on: I found out where my mean drunkness comes from.

Some people have heard part or all of this story, so I apologize if you've heard it before, but I don't think you guys will mind too much. It is a long post, but I guarantee it's humorous. I apologize in advance for the stripper portion it is verbally graphic......
So I was a groomsman in my sister's wedding and went to the bachelor party in Chicago. I knew half the guys from either school or through Rob, my new brother in law. We went there because the best man, Craig, lived there. This was a stereotypical bachelor party: a group of guys drinking a large amount of alcohol with the addition of female nudity. A group of us drove there and as soon as we walked in the door we were handed beers and noticed that there was a hardcore porn DVD playing in the background. This played in the background pretty much all weekend. At one point Saturday the 11 of us were just chilling with beers watching porn for like 10 minutes-I found that somewhat awkward.

We're drinking Friday night and Craig says theres a stripper coming in a half hour. Sexy Lexy arrives shortly thereafter with her bodyguard and large suitcase of stripper accessories. She gets Rob in a chair and starts dancing all over him: stands him up, takes his shirt off (no one wanted to see that), takes his belt off, drops his shorts a bit, rips the elastic of his boxers and puts it over his head, and whips him with his own belt. She moves to the next part of her routine, but Rob says he's had enough. The group then decides that I, as the little brother, need to get in on the action. She pulls out a Black and Decker drill............with a dildo on the end of it-a drilldo. It looked a lot like the picture above. I'm sitting on the couch and she comes up and straddles the corner and just puts the thing in her and the hands me the handle-WTF. I am freaked out and nervous and barely pull the trigger, which she laughs at and forces the trigger to full speed and makes me move the drill back and forth. The other guys said it was one of the funniest things they had ever seen because of the look on my face and the fact that I was leaning away from her. I can only imagine how awkward I looked. Then she lists off the other things she can do: for $100 someone can use a dildo on her, for $150 she can masturbate and squirt 10 feet in the air, for $200 she can suffocate someone, or for $250 she would, I am not joking, put a pickle in vaj then shoot it out and knock over miniature bowling pins. I was in complete and utter shock. The group decided to do the suffocation thing with me again as the "lucky" receiver. I lay on the group with a $20 bill across my nose and mouth. She then sits on my face. The only thing between me and a stripper's crotch was a $20 bill. This was frightening. She then made me scream "I love pussy" but then she would do something with her ass cheeks that made my voice cut in and out (kind of like when you use your hand to make an Indian call). Then she tells me she's going to cut off my air and to tap out when I had enough. She then cut off my air by fully sitting on me, which I didn't really think she could do, but trust me she can. Then I didn't know what to do. Do I tap out quickly because this is rather gross? Do I try to be a badass and hold my breath as long as I possibly can? I think I went for like 30 seconds and then tapped out; it was so odd.

We kept drinking at Craig's place until we went to a decent restaurant to get delicious pizza at like 10 o'clock. We were all hammered so I'm not sure why they let us in even. We were loud and obnoxious. The few tables around us tried to block us out..........until we started rehashing about Sexy Lexy and then they listened intently. If you guys remember my roommate from the fall, Charlie, he joined us for dinner because he knows some of the guys as well. We then started walking back to Craig's when another guy, Bauer talked to some girl on the street and got her to come drink with us. The three of us were chatting on the walk over and she said she would call some friends over-the guys were happy. She has a beer then has me go downstairs with her to help her friends get there. In the stairwell she grabs me and makes out with me for like 15 seconds. This was totally random. I was not hitting on her or anything and I didn't initiate. As we are down there Bauer comes down and out of nowhere asks her for some ID. I am confused. She pulls out 2 ID's (bad sign) that say she's 26. There is no way she's 26. Bauer says he thinks her say she was 17. After we ask a few times she owns up to being 17. I had just made out with a 17 year old-wtf. In my defense I did not initiate and everyone there said she looked at least 21. More importantly what 17 year old girl is walking around downtown Chicago on her own and joins a group of 11 mid twenty year old guys for drinks? I then proceeded to call Justin and leave a drunk voicemail. I am told it's humorous.

After that we made it downtown to the hotel we were staying in, which happened to be the one Rachel Hilfer works at. Some of us went out to a bar for a bit after that, but nothing interesting happened. The next morning people got up and went back to Craig's to start drinking around noon, but I stayed at the hotel until Rachel got off work and we got lunch. Then I met back up with the guys at this place called Whirlyball. It is a 5 on 5 game played in bumper cars. You play with a whiffle ball and something kind of like a small curved lacrosse stick. The things used in Hyli (sp?) if you know what that is. So you use the sticks to pick up the whiffle ball and throw it into a goal; it was a blast. The place itself was weird because it had children's parties going on but also a full service bar. Then we all posted up at a bar at like 5 PM on Saturday. Needless to say no one was there. We informed the bartender we were there to do some serious drinking and went about our business. On the walk home from the bar, one guy tried to throw a half-full water bottle past me to hit his buddy, but he missed HORRIBLY and hit me smack in the face. I now have a small scar in between my eyebrows from where a plastic edge cut me. The other guys told me it looked like I had a red dot on my forehead and should therefore work my magic on Indian girls at the bar that night-this did not occur. We went back to Craig's to eat dinner and continue drinking. The porn DVD was again put on in the background. We left to go to a bar but Craig was done for. He face planted into the street at least 3 times. Jeff (my 3rd floor roommate this year) broke his flip flop and tried to trade shoes with a homeless man. We got on the subway and started a slow clap at each stop. We met a couple of girls that we convinced to meet us at the bar later. Craig knew most of the staff at the bar so we go into the secret upstairs bar, but he was quickly kicked out for being too drunk. They sent him home in a cab. Other highlights from the bar consist of one guy hitting on the girl from the subway only to be cockblocked alllllll night by her less attractive sister. The guy that hit me in the face couldn't believe a Bud Light cost $5 so he threatened to attack the bar tender and repeatedly asked him if he was high. When we left, Jeff ran off and we lost him. He found a receipt in his pocket the next morning from Subway, where he spent $23. He later remembered that he chatted with another homeless man in an alley and in exchange for subway the guy gave him a mix CD of his own rap songs. He raps under the name ill-noise (get it? illinois) and the CD actually wasn't that bad. I think he spent money on studio time instead of on housing. The rest of us made it back to the hotel bar to keep drinking. Some guys went upstairs to go to bed but couldn't get into one of our rooms so they pounded on the door until a middle-aged guy opened up. Apparently no one left any stuff in that room, so when the maid's cleaned it they thought we left and they gave the room to someone else. They went downstairs and bitched at the front desk until they got another room. In the meantime I had made friends outside of the hotel bar. The professional BMX tour was in Chicago that day and they all stayed at this hotel, so I drunkenly chatted with a couple of them for a while. One guy randomly offered me some roasted red pepper hummus and pita chips at 3 AM-it was delicious. When I finally head upstairs I see Jeff trying to get into the room. He came back late because he had passed out in the alley for an hour. When he got back to the hotel he pounded on the door of the room that wasn't ours anymore and woke the same guy up again-he was NOT happy. Then Jeff went downstairs and bitched at the front desk again-we were not good customers. Luckily I ran into him and let him in. We all passed out. We all regrouped at Craig's the next day and then drove back to Columbus, rehashing the events for at least the next 2 hours.

I think that sums it all up. Sorry it was long and if that at all offended people. That weekend was the last one in June. It caused me to miss South 40, which was very saddening. The wedding was this past Saturday, which was another great weekend as well. Adios friends!